I'm now in the middle of my fourth winter in Washington. The rain has stopped for now, but the grey clouds are my constant companions on these short, dark days. The darkness outside brings forth the darkness within my soul, making it difficult for me to find balance. Four years, each fighting against the winter and encroaching darkness and yearning to be back in the light. It's easy to rage and rant, cursing the twists of fate that brought me from my warm, comfortable haven to this place that I must now call home. The more difficult task is to probe into what lies beneath these feelings of discontent.
I celebrate the Winter Solstice, rejoicing at the thought of the days becoming longer and warmer. The earth is resting and renewing, preparing for the new life that will come with the spring. Without the darkness and rest of winter there can be no new life to celebrate in the spring, yet I find it difficult to embrace that period of rest and renewal for my soul. Am I afraid the call of the darkness will be too strong, that I will never turn back toward the light? Am I afraid of what I will find during that period of self-examination? Without that time of reflection and renewal, I wonder if my soul can continue to grow. The longer I try to avoid it the more I stifle my growth, my soul stagnates, my ka grows ever so slightly weaker.
I spent too long waiting to escape, treating this as a temporary stop on my journey. Two years, I would think, then I can escape back to where I belong. Somewhere hot, sunny, comfortable for both my body and my soul. Then the chance came to make that escape, and I found that we could not do it. As much as I want us to leave, I know it's not the right choice for us right now. External things, beyond my control, have made this decision for me. As petty as it seems, money. If the economy were better then we could sell this house (which was, perhaps, not the wisest investment in the first place) and move. With the drop in housing prices and slow market, I don't know how long it would take to sell and if it did, there's a chance it would be at a loss. Here, let me pay you to take my house, please. Gah. As much as I would like to move somewhere warm, sunny and closer to my family it's not worth the (possibly long-lasting) financial upheaval it would cause in our life right now. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to stomp my foot and yell "no!", like my two year old daughter in the throes of a tantrum. Just for a moment I'll bitch and moan, I want it to be about me and my wants, not about needs, I don't want to be the adult. I acknowledge these feelings and know that they will pass.
I can listen to the call of the darkness yet still return to the light, I can observe the changes of the seasons without having the darkness control me. Obsessing over it gives it a measure of control that it does not deserve. I will accept the grey, rainy days as well-deserved days of rest for the earth. As a fellow mother, it's something I can appreciate. The occasional sunny day brings relief, the low sunlight streaming through my kitchen window speaks of the promise of spring.
Meh, too much psychological dirty laundry is aired in this post. Time to either post or get off the pot, to mangle a colloquialism .
1 comment:
Winters are only as dark as you let them to be. Look into your heart and around you and you will be warmed. Take solace in the fact of a warm fire and mulled wine with good company. You will hear the peace in fallen snow as it is Mother Nature sleeping ever so gently. Grey is only a color. You will find peace in the sound of small feet crunching in new fallen white and the giggles of laughter with your children making snow angles. With trees flying by you in rapid succession as you sled down a hill, you can feel the exhilarating adrenaline of moving through the cold air. Cold bodies need a roaring fire with a hot cup of rich cocoa. Warm foods, candles, the smell of cinnamon, ginger and cloves can bring wonders. Darkness can only be lit by the light of your soul. Let it not get dark as in all things you determine your destiny. You are loved and you are loved much. Let that be your light and warmth while Mother Nature slumbers these long months.
And for those dreary cold rainy/wet days.....you have warm thighs for your feet....much to the chagrin of your husband.
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